Girls Who Wear Glasses

KRAMER: Hey. (to Elaine) Oh, I just saw your old boyfriend on TV.

ELAINE: Egh, Jake Jarmel?

KRAMER: Yeah. I really liked those glasses he was wearing. Where'd he get those.

ELAINE: Why? You don't wear glasses.

KRAMER: I know, I know. But I need a new look, I'm stagnating.

GEORGE: I have to say, as a glasses wearer I take exception to that. That's like
me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in!

Doesn't she look brainy?

I had braces for 3 years.  That may give you some idea of how out of whack my teeth were as an adolescent.  My dad used to say I could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.  Even with good insurance, he still referred to my braces as "the trip to Hawaii."  I had them removed just a few weeks into high school.  I was perfect, for about a month.

Then, one day in math class, my teacher asked me to do the problem written on the blackboard.  "There's something written on the blackboard?" I said, which was both smart-ass and true.  I couldn't see a damn thing on it.  So, off I went for an eye exam, and, sure enough, I needed glasses.  I was not pleased.  Hipsters hadn't yet been spawned by the devil, and the only people who wore glasses were nerds and old people.

Magnificent Facilities

"Anywhere in the city, I can tell you the best public toilet."
"OK.  Fifty-fourth and Sixth"
"Sperry Rand Building, 14th floor.  Morgan Apparel. Mention my name, she'll give you the key."
"Alright; Sixty-fifth and Tenth."
"Are you kidding?  Lincoln Center, Alice Tully Hall, the Met- magnificent facilities!"

Ritz Paris.  Tres bien.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world- those who are constantly searching for bathrooms, and those who aren't.  Sadly, I fall into the first category.  I'm also a bit of a germophobe, so I'm not looking for just anywhere, if you know what I mean.  I'm sure there's an app for this, and I probably should have invented it.  Then again, who wants to give away the locations all the good bathrooms, oops, sorry America, I mean restrooms? Luckily for me, this blog has approximately zero readers, so I can post the best options without fear of them being overrun.

Although I have never had the pleasure of using George Kostanza's recommendations, I am certainly a connoisseur in my own right.  On our most recent trip to New York, I would say the Waldorf was useful in midtown.  The restrooms were clean and easily accessible, and bore remnants of their art deco glory days.  You could almost picture the women of The Women gossiping and catfighting in there.  The biggest surprise, however, was the McDonald's at Union Square.  New, well stocked, and as clean as anywhere else I'd seen in the city.  McD's can be hit-or-miss; there are a few here in Toronto I wouldn't use on a bet, and I've been to The Subway Inn!

The Subway Inn.  NOT magnificent facilities!

Years ago, I discovered the restrooms in Bryant Park behind the Public Library. Since they were basically outdoors, I figured they'd be on par with a gas station in the bad part of Buffalo (yup- been there), but I discovered polished wood, an attendant, and fresh flowers.  A happy surprise indeed.

In Toronto,  the current downtown champion is the Shangri- La Hotel.  New, expansive, and pristine. If you're in the mood to shop, go uptown to Yorkdale.  It's an ever-expanding retail heaven, and the new facilities there would not be out of place at the French embassy.

Speaking of France, in Paris, the Ritz Hotel was my favourite pit stop, but it's closed for a massive renovation.  When it reopens, the security will probably be tightened, keeping the likes of me out on the street.  What I liked about the Ritz is that the toilets were sort of hidden; the doors were glass walls, and you had to know where to push.  Once you got inside, though, you were rewarded.  With Parisian hotels, the secret is to be dressed well and act like you own the place, then you can confidently barge past the doorman.  This tactic worked for me a few years ago at the Crillon, after massive Champagne consumption on an empty stomach had me stopping every few blocks on the walk back to our hotel.

Let's face it- facilities may start out magnificent, but it's the way people use them that determines if they stay that way. I'm looking at you, hoverers.

Ladies, when you hover, you make more of a mess than if you just sat your ass on the seat, so clean it up!  What kills me is that these are the bitches who are all "Ooh, public toilet seats are dirty", but they leave the bathroom looking like someone shook up and opened a can of ginger ale in there.  Gross.  You are gross.

Sometimes I'll enter a stall and immediately spin around in horror.  I have seen things in the restrooms at work where I literally cannot figure out what configuration you'd have to take with your body to get the result you left behind.  It'd take a CSI team to figure it out.

Of course, when all else fails, just look for a Starbucks.  I think that the purchase of a Starbucks beverage enters you into a covenant with the entire chain, allowing you bathroom privileges worldwide.  They have the balls to charge me $4 for a black tea lemonade;  the least they can do is hand over the key when I need it.

People- They're the Worst.

This book is desperately needed by some of my neighbours.

We celebrated on Sunday, so on actual Thanksgiving, the BF and I went to the only grocery store open in the area, to pick up a few things.  So, it seems, did everyone else in the city.  The parking lot was full, cars were illegally parked everywhere, and when we left, there were cars stretched around the block trying to get into the lot.  In the store, there were people buying the whole nine yards- turkeys, potatoes, veggies, pumpkin pies.  I have a grudging respect for people who don't plan their Thanksgiving dinners until noon the day of; it's absolutely the opposite of someone like me.

Anyway, the BF dropped me off with my groceries.  I was carrying a case of Diet Coke, a huge bag of groceries, a wrapped bouquet of flowers, and my stuffed purse.  None of the other people going into my condo held the door for me, but it was OK, I caught it with my leg. I got into the elevator with 2 people, neither of whom were holding anything.  As my hands were full, I waited a second for someone to say "which floor?" and make the incredible effort of raising an arm to press a button, but neither did. They both just pretended I wasn't there.  So, I took a deep breath, juggled my bags, rested the Diet Coke on my knee, and reached forward to hit 22.

The guy got off before me, dragging his little dog, who seemed not to want to go with him.  Even your dog thinks your an asshole, I thought.  The next stop was mine.  As I got off, I considered exiting with a sarcastically cheerful "Happy Thanksgiving!", but I surprised myself by saying with a smile, "Die in a fire!"  That chick will tell her friends about the crazy bitch in the elevator, oblivious to her part in the story. Worth it.

As it was Thanksgiving, let me say I am thankful to have been brought up to be the sort of person who will hold a door or push a button for you.

Air Canada to Paris

People watching from Les Deux Magots

I am about to make a controversial statement- one that may cause some of you to question my sanity:

I like Air Canada.  I'm sorry, but it's true. I've never had a problem with them that wasn't weather related, and they've never lost my luggage (I check only on the way home).  Yes, the flight attendants are as friendly as diner waitresses working the midnight shift, but as long as they bring me Diet Coke when I need it, I'm cool.  Frankly, I am not one to want to sing Happy Birthday to my fellow travelers anyway (sorry, West Jet). The planes are new, the TVs plentiful, and the food is, well, free.

When we flew to Paris last month, it was on old familiar AC 880, which we've taken several times before.  We got to the airport too early, of course.  No bags to check (truly, you don't need to check luggage.  I've done 2 weeks in Europe no problem, though I suspect traveling to a cold climate would pose problems, but why the hell would anyone want to do that?) All we had to endure was passing through security. I often get an extra pat down, or have my hands checked for explosives.  I think I am the Token White Lady, you know? The last time we were in the Bahamas, I got a pat down (rather, a feel up), from an eager lady that surely should have resulted in a marriage proposal.  She started at the top, worked her way down, then went back to the top! "Oh, we're going again!", I said jokingly, as she patted and squeezed (they're real, honey).  "She got further with you than I did this week", the BF sulked. But I digress...

The Yogurt Thief

People are endlessly surprising.  I just wish it wasn't so often because they totally fucking suck.

The day I started at my current job, while giving me a tour of the office, my boss stuck a yogurt in the fridge.  When she went back for it a few hours later, it was gone.  Apparently this had been happening on and off for the past year, but the Yogurt Thief was about to go into overdrive, and was about to steal the wrong lady's yogurt.

When this woman discovered her yogurt was missing two days in a row, she just about lost her mind.  Everyone on our floor heard about it.  For a while there, I thought she was going to call the cops.  Instead, she came up with a plan:  we were going to run a sting operation.  The plan was to subtly mark the bottom of some yogurts, plant them in the fridge, and if they were taken, we were going to search through everyone's garbage cans looking for the marked containers.  I was new, so I wanted to be a team player, but sifting through garbage at the end of the work day oddly did not appeal to me.

Instead, she stuck this on the fridge:

God, even our threats are so Canadian...

I guess the threat worked.  The office Jean Valjean seems to have stopped, or was perhaps one of the people transferred to another location recently, along with the guy who used to cook raw fish in the toaster oven.  In any case, I was spared garbage patrol. And people do still suck.

Fishs Eddy and the Walk to Work

So few are...

It's just not a trip to New York without a stop at Fishs Eddy.  When a friend told me about it years ago, I thought she said "Fishetti's", so I was looking for some Italian store.  I just wandered in when I was walking up Broadway, and didn't realize I had found the place she was talking about until much later. In any case, this is a fun place to poke around when you're in the Union Square area.  I love entertaining, so I could happily spend all day, and a few paycheques, in here, snapping up trays, plates, and things I didn't know I need, like this.   I bought a lot from the Floor Plan series in 2008; probably the closest I'll ever get to living in a classic 6.  Ah, well.  Hard to believe I didn't purchase this very perceptive item:

My sentiments exactly.

If it were a travel mug, I guarantee I would have bought it for my walk to work. When I transferred to where I work now, I initially took the subway in the morning, but going only 4 stops seemed like a waste of money. It takes me about 40 minutes to walk.  The first 20 minutes are great, but after that, as my office is close to the lake, the journey gets tricky. Around Queen Street, I encounter the suburban train crowd coming into the city from Union station-  a sea of rushed smokers, texters, and wheeled suitcases.  I am often the only person walking against the tide.

Initially, it freaked me out.  I mean, there was this wave of humanity coming at me, taking up 95% of the sidewalk, but they seemed to want more.  There are still people who give me dirty looks when I won't get out of their way by walking in the street.  I have actually snorted "This isn't a one-way sidewalk, you know!".  And I have walked right through a few people, line-backer style. In time, I have gotten better at negotiating my narrow southbound lane; I keep to the right, and I keep alert.  Still, if you come at me with your head down, you will find yourself in a game of Chicken with me. I'm not saying you'll lose, but... I don't know how to finish that sentence...

The Point of No Returns

No, you can't return all that shit!

I did a bad, bad thing. These shoes, from 2 posts down?  I returned them.  Here's the thing- the forecast for New York got better, and the last time I wore them, though I didn't get blisters, the lack of support made my feet ache.  I fared much better in my white Birkenstocks. Since they're rubber, I cleaned them up and was prepared to righteously declare that no, of course I didn't wear them! if the sales person had asked.
Instead, the guy didn't even open the box, making me wish I had stuck my $6 Old Navy flip flops in the box instead.  But I'd never do that.  I feel bad enough for returning gently used rubber shoes.

The reason I feel bad is that I worked in retail for years.   I have been the person in the store who listened to the bullshit stories, and I have been the analyst at the corporate headquarters who tracked returns and formulated the policy.  Returns drive me nuts.

Also, I am someone with the shame gene, which seems to have been bred out of most people.  I seriously don't know how people have said the things they've said to me when returning used merchandise.  A selection from several stores I've worked at, recreated for your amusement:

"I'd like to return this [$350] tablecloth"
"It has a mustard stain on it."
"Yeah."
"Did it have a mustard stain on it when you bought it?"
"No."
"Uh, you can't return this."
"But why???"


"I'd like to return these 8 napkins, 8 napkin rings, 8 charger plates, 8 wine glasses, and 8 dessert plates."
"How was the party?"


"I'd like to return this lipstick [to a store in Toronto]."
"We don't sell this brand, unfortunately."
"Yeah, I know, I didn't get it here."
"Uh, where did you get it?"
"The Sak's in Palm Beach.  But I don't like the colour."


"I'd like to return this porcelain gravy boat."
"It's broken."
"I dropped it."
"You can't return it."
"But it's broken! What am I supposed to do with it?"


We eventually accepted all the returns except the broken gravy boat, and that lady came back to the store a half a dozen times, to ask literally everyone who worked there. So yes, the squeaky wheel does indeed get the grease, but trust me, everyone in the store thinks you're an asshole.  Oh, and don't yell at the cashier, or even the manager.  They are just following the rules. And if you try to return rubber shoes, give them a good wipe down first.

Everywhere Is Not Home Depot

This is not evening wear.

Last Friday we went to the 21 Club for a pre-theatre dinner, and then on to the Belasco Theatre to see Neil Patrick Harris in Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  The dinner was amazing, and NPH blew my mind (I now have a serious crush on him, but we'll deal with that later). Afterwards, we stopped by The Modern for a late drink.  Sounds like a classy evening out, right?  Well, almost.

Here's the thing: I don't understand why people don't dress for the occasion.  I realize I am almost alone in this, however.

21 has a dress code, and they enforce it, thank God, but at the theatre?  Christ, you'd think I was at the Home Depot based on what most people had on.  This isn't elitist, either- if I could see you, you were sitting in front of me, so your tickets had to cost $300 and up.  I'm thinking if you can afford the ticket to the show, you can afford a shirt with buttons on it, as opposed to the t-shirt you picked up at Comic-Con 2012 (seriously, that is what the guy right in front of me was wearing).

The ladies were no better.  In fact, many of them were dressed the same as the fellas: t-shirt, cargo shorts, and running shoes.  In New York. On a Friday night. In a Broadway theatre. There was a woman in The Modern wearing a pink velour track suit and dirty running shoes.  She couldn't be poor, because she was in a place where the drinks are $16. When did this become a thing?

Some helpful questions to ask yourself when getting dressed for a night out:


Is this what I wore the last time I mowed the lawn? 

Would this outfit be perfectly suited to the McDonald's drive-thru?

Could I comfortably complete a marathon in these shoes?

Is there something "hilarious" written on my t-shirt?

If you answer Yes to any of the above, I implore you to go back to your closet and start outfit planning anew.  Or go to the nearest Joe Fresh and get a damn dress or a dress shirt and pants.  You don't have to break the bank.  The bar is so low these days, that in a navy v-neck chiffon dress from Ann Taylor, I looked like The LSD compared to everyone else.

A night on the town is supposed to be different from a night at home.  I don't understand why you would show up at an elegant bar or a storied theatre dressed like you are about to binge-watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey on your sofa while eating KFC. I think you are disrespecting your surroundings, and your fellow patrons.  And you're pissing me off. You really don't want to do either.

40 percent

So I'm heading to New York on Friday.  As I do with all vacations, I have spent the past week endlessly checking weather reports.  The one thing I can't control becomes my obsession.  So typically me...

But there is an optimist in me somewhere- I compare all forecasts, then believe the best one. Unfortunately, for the past week, the percentage chance of rain has been increasing.

I wish the Weather Network here in Canada, and all others, frankly, would call a 40% Probability of Precipitation what it actually is- We Have No Fucking Idea%.  This has been the forecast here for weeks now, and it's driving me insane.  The point of the POP, for the ladies anyway, is twofold- is rain going to make my hair puffy, and will it ruin my shoes?  40% is no damn good to me.

Do I wear good shoes and hope for the 60% Probability of No Precipitation?  I have rather a large shoe collection, but not too many pairs I want to get rained on.  During the Great Toronto Flood of July, 2013, I lost a pair of sandals I loved.  On that day, I waded from the subway stop through ankle deep city water, and when I took those puppies off, I knew that they had, shall we say, seen too much.  They were great shoes- cute, comfortable.  They'd been to New York, Italy, and France, and I'd been able to walk miles and look good. When they started drying out, however, they smelled like a sewer, so they had to go. I still miss those shoes...

Melissa flox gladiators.  So far, so good!

To deal with 40%, I actually bought rubber shoes.  I saw these Melissa gladiators on sale, and they were strangely comfortable.  I have walked a bit in them, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but no blisters! This is practically unprecedented.  I get blisters from Rockports, Birkenstocks, Cole Haans, and flip-flops, not just from pointy-toed Manolos.

I'm bringing these to New York, since the forecast is in this Who Knows range, and I'm leaving the  Ferragamos at home.  Those babies have never left their soft felt encasements on a day with over 10% POP. And they never will.

Minimalism vs My Books

Jerry:  "What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies.  What do you need it for after you've read it?"

I love minimalism.  At least I think I do.  Actually, I guess I just want to be someone cool enough to exist in a chic, minimalist environment.  I also love the English country house look.  Therein lies the problem:  trying to decorate when you are drawn to two diametrically opposed styles is a challenge.  It's also why I still have some Ikea furniture.  Until I can make a final decision, I am loathe to spend thousands of dollars on something I will probably regret as soon as I can't return it (my elegant and costly sofa that I now hate attests to this).  I am also, naturally, sort of messy. Without meaning to or noticing, I will leave magazines and papers lying around until you can't see the furniture anymore.  I stop myself before it's time to call the Hoarders people, and go on a mad purge to try to get closer to my minimalist ideal of surfaces, darling.

Harvey House, by John Lautner, Los Feliz. Perfection.

The Lautner and Neutra houses brought beautifully back to life by Kelly Lynch and Mitch Glazer have been inspiration since I first saw them in magazine features more than a decade ago.  I wish I had this commitment to one style, and the vision to execute it so perfectly.  Oh, and some Hollywood money would also be nice...

Aside from my natural, let's say, sloppiness, there is the matter of my bookishness.  I read a lot, and I love to be surrounded by my books. The great ones are reread, loaned out, occasionally returned, and serve as a reminder that something predated the Internet.  And they look great, don't you think?

Sadly, not my living room.

I have a very hard time throwing out books.  Exhibit A would probably be my grade 13 (yes, that used to be a thing in Ontario) French text book.  I keep it because it's still useful, and dammit, I might one day commit to learning more French than just what was required to get through school or buy a pair of shoes in Paris.

I also have a collection of books from university.  These are books I have "read", meaning that I plowed through them on Diet Coke-fueled all nighters right before needing to pass a test or write an essay.  I retained virtually nothing.  Books in this category include The Master and Margarita, Fathers and Sons, and, to my deep embarrassment, One Hundred Years of Solitude. I guess I keep these ones out of guilt, and figure, maybe one day I will properly read them.

I have an alarming number of sort of stupid books- Cruel Shoes, by Steve Martin, old Letterman Top Ten List books, Simpson's anthologies.  I never throw out something that can give me a laugh.  It's why the David Sedaris and the Spy magazines stay, too. One of my favourite stupid books is The Bachelor Home Companion, for God's sake! Having books like this around requires some balance; hence the Serious Authors collection:  Ian McEwan, Martin Amis, Timothy Findlay, Philip Roth, Margaret Atwood, to name a few, and my favourite- John Updike.  I'm not sure I'll ever re-read Updike's amazing Rabbit tetralogy, so yeah, I guess I am keeping those to prove that, although I own this book, I'm not a complete moron. 

So, my attempts at minimalism are usually trumped my my desire to keep things I love.  But it could be worse.  One of my friends married a guy who felt strenuously that the only acceptable thing to have hanging above their living room fireplace mantle was his signed, framed Walter Payton jersey.  I'm not discounting Walter's awesomeness, but as a living room decoration? Keeping tons of books may violate the principles of minimalism, but at least the style police won't show up at my door.

Where I'll Be in NYC

Best. Drink. Ever.  Bar Hemingway, Paris (excuse the terrible phone photo.)

I'm heading to New York the first weekend in August.  I've gone at the end of the month a few times, for the US Open, and to say goodbye to my beloved Shea Stadium, but this is the first time I have gone in the dead of summer with no specific event planned.  Well, except for seeing Neil Patrick Harris in Hedwig- can't wait for that.  I'm such a fatalist that I actually worry he'll fall off his platform shoes and hurt himself before I get there.  Keep it together for 4 more weeks, NPH!

I hope to have beautiful days that I can spend wandering aimlessly, but should the weather be lousy, I know where I'll be- PJ Clarke's.

I love old school, classic bars, but somehow I have never been to PJ's.  I've been to, among others, The 21 Club, Martin's Tavern in Georgetown, and in Paris, Hemingway's (currently closed), and Harry's New York Bar. I went to Harry's on a pilgrimage of sorts, because they invented my absolute favourite cocktail- the Sidecar.

PJ Clarke's looks promising since the first drink listed on the cocktail menu is the Patrick Joseph Clarke Sidecar. Any bar that loves My Drink that much deserves a visit.  What better place to ride out a humid, dreary afternoon than a dark bar?  To be honest, I think this is where I'll be rain or shine.

Just because:

Lori's Sidecar:

1 part Cognac (as good as you can afford)
1 part Cointreau (not Triple Sec, not Grand Marnier. Cointreau!)
1 part freshly squeezed lemon juice, strained (not from a bottle, not from concentrate!)

Dump into an ice-filled shaker, and shake until really cold. Pour into a nice coupe glass, or a Martini glass if that's all you have available. Sip, though you will be tempted to chug. If you chug, you will regret it. Or so I've been told ;)