The Point of No Returns

No, you can't return all that shit!

I did a bad, bad thing. These shoes, from 2 posts down?  I returned them.  Here's the thing- the forecast for New York got better, and the last time I wore them, though I didn't get blisters, the lack of support made my feet ache.  I fared much better in my white Birkenstocks. Since they're rubber, I cleaned them up and was prepared to righteously declare that no, of course I didn't wear them! if the sales person had asked.
Instead, the guy didn't even open the box, making me wish I had stuck my $6 Old Navy flip flops in the box instead.  But I'd never do that.  I feel bad enough for returning gently used rubber shoes.

The reason I feel bad is that I worked in retail for years.   I have been the person in the store who listened to the bullshit stories, and I have been the analyst at the corporate headquarters who tracked returns and formulated the policy.  Returns drive me nuts.

Also, I am someone with the shame gene, which seems to have been bred out of most people.  I seriously don't know how people have said the things they've said to me when returning used merchandise.  A selection from several stores I've worked at, recreated for your amusement:

"I'd like to return this [$350] tablecloth"
"It has a mustard stain on it."
"Yeah."
"Did it have a mustard stain on it when you bought it?"
"No."
"Uh, you can't return this."
"But why???"


"I'd like to return these 8 napkins, 8 napkin rings, 8 charger plates, 8 wine glasses, and 8 dessert plates."
"How was the party?"


"I'd like to return this lipstick [to a store in Toronto]."
"We don't sell this brand, unfortunately."
"Yeah, I know, I didn't get it here."
"Uh, where did you get it?"
"The Sak's in Palm Beach.  But I don't like the colour."


"I'd like to return this porcelain gravy boat."
"It's broken."
"I dropped it."
"You can't return it."
"But it's broken! What am I supposed to do with it?"


We eventually accepted all the returns except the broken gravy boat, and that lady came back to the store a half a dozen times, to ask literally everyone who worked there. So yes, the squeaky wheel does indeed get the grease, but trust me, everyone in the store thinks you're an asshole.  Oh, and don't yell at the cashier, or even the manager.  They are just following the rules. And if you try to return rubber shoes, give them a good wipe down first.